A Year Later: How Can the Heart Describe?

This is something that I wrote back in February…

February 23, 2018

It’s hard letting go – more than I thought.

And if the truth be told, I’m a pillar of salt.

I’m a pillar of salt for every time that it took another fleeting glance,

another long last look.

How can the mind transcend, how can the heart describe?

We light a candle every day.

I ask the question even when the why seems hollow

and breathe the silence in that usually follows.

I am the cup, mended and washed.

I am the true container for all that I’ve lost.

And all that I’ve lost and gathered again

is only what hangs in the air when the music ends.

How can the mind transcend, how can the heart describe?

We light a candle every day.

I ask the question even when the why seems hollow

and breathe the silence in that usually follows.

And now and then are visitations.

To have and hold for hard but true.

How many times I had to ask the thing that I already knew.

He said “my horizon is getting closer to me.

I need you to look beyond and tell me what you see”

Here’s what I see but I need what you know.”

Out on the curve of the earth there’s a hope that won’t let go.

How can the mind transcend, how can the heart describe?

We light a candle every day.

I ask the question even when the why seems hollow

and breathe the silence in that usually follows.

–Carrie Newcomer, “Visitation” (listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9lqUqjyIIg)

It’s been nearly a year since we stopped our efforts at fertility treatments, hoping to grow our family, longing to fill a hole that has been redefined over and over these past years as we have had to adjust our hopes and, let’s face it, our assumptions about how family would unfold for us. For the past year or more I’ve tried to figure out how to describe my heart, to put into words deep emotion, lingering pain, grief, guilt all mixed with hope and doubt, anger and disappointment. How can the heart describe? Perhaps only in fumbling, incomplete ways that change day to day—that, ever so slowly, by some grace way beyond oneself, shape a way forward—the lighting of a candle everyday. Continue reading “A Year Later: How Can the Heart Describe?”

Returning

The following first appeared at my old blog site (racheleppmiller.wordpress.com), written August 17, 2018.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I’ve written anything on this blog. I’m not sure I’ll ever be someone who maintains a regular writing discipline (still trying to figure out if I might ever have enough to say!), but the nudge to write does not go away and so, like with so many things in life, I am going to take a first step to start without knowing whether or not it will lead to something. Continue reading “Returning”